You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My bed smells like the plague
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
