i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
