Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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