What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
