so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
