Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
