omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
