At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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