I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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