i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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