Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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