Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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