I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
