remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
