you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
