So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
