Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
