so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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