they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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