you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
