you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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