There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
