I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
