Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
