textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
