you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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