Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
