You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
