Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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