I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
