I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
