OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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