He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize