I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
