I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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