He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
