Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
