i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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