I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
