Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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