his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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