If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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