he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
