I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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