I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You can't motorboat a personality
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
