Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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