well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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