why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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