Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
that may or may not have been my penis.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
