Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
