Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
